In the FlowPosted: June 30, 2011
It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve written here, which I can’t believe. June was busy, with event after event happening at my kids’ schools as the year wound down, and then some time off between school and camp for my younger daughter, which meant our schedule (read: my schedule!) was in flux. Camp started this past Monday for both my girls, so more of my time is my own again. I’ve been working on a freelance project (and applying for a few others), and finally this week the yoga, tennis, running trifecta has started up again. I’ll be on the treadmill for the summer, but at least it’s running — I went today after not having gone for almost a month. My muscles feel sore again — good sore — and my mind is beginning to clear a bit, too.
For the past few weeks things have felt a bit like a pinball game: We’ve just been ricocheting from event to event. It was all fun, but there was a long list of tasks to do and places to be and parties to hit in the course of a few weeks. We’ve just had to sail along. Go with the flow, you could say.
I made a note to myself weeks ago in yoga class about flow. The word Anusara means “flowing with grace,” which is different from just going where the wind takes you. It suggests intent, or, as we discussed in class, being in the flow, instead of simply going with it. It’s a choice, an active decision, not just a passive motion.
I’ve not generally been a person who has easily gone with the flow. Motherhood has made me a lot more flexible, more relaxed about schedules changing, expectations not being met, problems coming up at the last minute. I’m better at flowing. But I really like the concept of being in the flow instead of just going with it. We can’t control every single thing that happens each day, and it’s probably best that we don’t try, for the most part. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be active participants in the flow of life around us. We don’t have to just bob around in the sea and hope for the best. You don’t want to be too rigid, but you don’t want to be slack, either.
So, that’s the balance to achieve.
I wrote here last about my frustration with not being able to kick up into handstand. This past week I got annoyed with myself for the same reasons when I was unable to kick into a forearm stand. The letting go is tough for me, perhaps because I’m coming from so far in the other direction. Maybe I’m still working on the structure part, on that part of being in the flow, and it’s simply a matter of time. I do know that’s true, even if sometimes I fall into my old self-defeating attitude.
When I got down on myself in class this week, my friend Rachel said to me, “Don’t get so frustrated — it’s only yoga!” That made me laugh. I put a lot of stock in my poses because I feel like they reflect the state of the rest of my life so much. But her advice is something to apply across the board. Even if I don’t feel I’m to the letting go part yet, I can definitely let myself be in the flow. That actually feels better to me than just going with it.