Yesterday I was cranky all day. I couldn’t really put my finger on it. Yes, it was rainy in the morning, and that’s enough right there. I didn’t get to go running, so that probably didn’t help either. By the end of the day I was feeling snapish and peeved and couldn’t wait for my sweet daughters to go to bed, because they were really bugging me.
Well, to be honest, I wasn’t totally clueless about why I was out of sorts. I’d spoken to my mom in the afternoon. Today she went in for an endoscopy, because she has some gallstones, apparently. She was feeling bad about having to go do this, because it meant having to leave my dad, who is home and on hospice care. He has cancer, and it’s beyond treatment. They have a nurse visiting twice a week.
We’re all going to Chicago this weekend. I don’t know whether it will be the last time I see my dad alive. To say I’m feeling a bit of dread would be putting it mildly. Though I’m glad we’re going and I know I’ll be glad we went, I’m apprehensive.
So I woke up this morning hoping that my planned run would lift my spirits. I met up with Susie (my running guru, you will recall), and it definitely helped (the run and seeing dear Susie). But something else happened that was sort of remarkable, in retrospect.
During our run I saw someone in passing who’s no longer in my life and whom I usually don’t see or have to see. I hadn’t had a glimpse of this person in almost a year, in fact. A few years ago, I wished very much that I had some sort of connection with the New Jersey mafia so I could put a hit out on him. You think I’m joking. Suffice it to say I had some very strong feelings.
This is someone whom I long ago decided I can’t and won’t forgive for how certain things happened. I spent a lot of time and energy on these negative feelings. At some point, I decided to stop. I realized that holding onto my anger was only hurting me. You know how that goes.
So as we passed today, the totality of my reaction was: Oh.
For real. Not even a single butterfly. Just a sort of disinterested oh. We did not interact (he made a point of that). That also had no effect on me.
After the run I had breakfast with my dear friend Nerissa, ran into a few other friends, and then picked up my daughter Sara at school and dropped her at a friend’s house to play. In the course of that hour I heard “Rio,” “I Melt With You,” and two pretty obscure Cure songs on the radio. I thought, Hmm, someone’s watching out for me somewhere.
And then I realized that my nonreaction this morning was proof positive that I’ve really let all that old stuff go. I did already know this, but it was reinforced, at a time when I’m feeling unsure and bracing for another big, tough situation. It’s all gone, released completely into the lovely spring air. And all my music was on the radio, further assuring me that I’m covered, that I’m being looked out for. There’s good, supportive energy flowing around me and through me.
At this point, my dear husband, who enjoys the role of devil’s advocate, would probably say something to the effect of, “You just want to interpret those things as messages or signs. That doesn’t mean anyone or anything is really sending you a message.” To him I would say — who cares? It doesn’t matter! And who’s to say the universe didn’t send them to me?
This afternoon I’m feeling lighter. Buoyed up.